You can’t offer men that which is tender and warm
When your heart is so spoiled it curdles fresh blood.
When your footsteps are warning of mercilous storm
and your souring milk tastes of cold bitter mud.
Once a beautiful flower now drowning in waste
while the fields that surround you flourish in light
that which can feed you, you fear for its taste
So you comfortabley rot in the darkness of night
my break-up- the sequel … and don’t tell me that it is about as necesary as rocky 5 because you are right and i dont want you to be
sometimes i am alright – i sit at my computer i watch queer as folk i read woody allen books and i go out with friends and i am content with forgetting you – i am content with feeling your memory without missing it, but other times it is hard …other times i can still feel your hands …i can trace the curves of your face with my mind .. you are still here and it is only an illusion and i am left with the reality ……. that you were yanked out of my life with such haste leaving an emptiness that consumes all of me ….
and here i am almost two months later convincing myself that my heart isn’t shattered… coming across burried tissue boxes and woodstock dolls that were once tokens of love … here i am dying and hurting and breathing and living and i can’t find the motivation anymore…
cold strong hands tighten around my neck and i can feel the air fighting it’s way through my throat – the fingers applying pressure – two thumbs piercing through my chin but no eyes to look to -and i dont fight – i dont struggle – i just wait
with these fingers as my collar -
“The people who love only once in their lives are really the shallow people.What they call their loyalty, their fidelity, i call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination.Faithfullness is to the emotional life what consistency is to the life of the intellect- simply a confession of failure. Faithfullness! I must analyse it some day. The passion for property is in it. There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up. “
….. this quote is a good quote and i bet you know who wrote it …. will you prove me right ….
Written in the wake of my breakup with Jamie. I remember this night well. Bill and I were huddled together in the very very cramped backseat of Sammy’s Toyota Tacoma and somehow I slipped my hand into his. We were both working through very harsh emotional experiences with ex lovers.
This was also the night that Asheesh pissed in public, got caught pissing in public, and through his jackass bullshit got us discovered in the middle of the night at a public beach that we were not legally allowed to be at.
my brain is floating – rising from inside my head-it nolonger touches the walls of my skull – the thoughts seem so distant now … unclear and unsettled
the other night i held billy’s hand to make him feel better – to let him know how that i could understand…how i could relate.. but what he didn’t know was that he was helping me more than i could ever help him because knowing that he still loves me in that intense way we love eachother just made me feel that much stronger- its good to look at someone and know that you will never stop loving them and its strange to fall out of love with her…. it isn’t like you’d think … it isn’t a dramatic feeling .. it doesn’t drain you its just … indescribable and bewildering and halfway empty -and it is faded and precarious -..it”s like the love is still inside of me somewhere .. but it is lost … it is smoke winding through me – and ashes blown away – and i cant stop feeling the confusion of it all doug told me that humans think in sentences- in words and he was right and that is why this feeling – or nonfeeling is so strange – it has no skeleton ….. i wish i could explain – but i dont even understand it myself … numb Current Mood: [mood icon] blank Current Music: ben folds five – evaporated
Her words are my music-a soothing melody traveling through my soul
but through these silent years, I have forgotten their sweetness
I have felt warmth in songs far from the heaven I used to know
I have reached into this body and shared harmonies from within me
But there are days when her echo travels into my heart
and for a moment I hurt knowing all that i’ve lost to become what I am
and it all comes back.
the dark room, the shrinking veins, the strong rageful pumping at her center
it travels like wind
here and then gone
waking and sleeping on a clock of it’s own
become numb to it’s blows
draw air in through the nose, keep calm
it’s only nerves
quiet your heart, girl
don’t let people listen
your song is tired now
lend your voice to pretension
yes, i would suck all of their dicks.
twice.
my heart quickens and every vein shrinks
i can feel all my blood rushing through my body trying to escape
I melt down and there is darkness hunting me
.suffocating me.
i breathe it- i smell it -i feel it pressing me to the ground
it’s crushing me
the floor softens losing all strength – losing all support and all i can do is sink
i try to claw my way out but what seems to be stiff and stable crumbles in my hand
and i’m helpless
i am abandoned
left to drown in this hole- in this demolished body that has swallowed and choked on so much blackness-
I feel the memory of your love seeping through the rips and tears in my heart
swimming in my veins- erasing from my mind the blue of your eyes-
and then there’s the hole that you carved into me -
where the pain floods in and drowns all my senses
i move with a shiver from the darkness that creeps between the bones in my spine-
drain me
.HEART.
swollen and hardened and turned on it’s side.
poisoning the body to which it has lied
spreading the venom that seaps through it’s skin
above and below the curled bones it’s caged in
